stress.

It’s probably my own fault that I’m not totally on top of my game right now but whatever, no need to place the blame on anyone or anything.

I’m not even obligated to manage the office at work, but as it happens I’ve suddenly come into the position where I have no choice but to because everyone is either new, or doesn’t give a shit anymore because no one knows exactly what’s happenning. The most responsible thing to do was to step up and solve this shit, but this shit is starting to sound unsolvable. I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me because ultimately it really isn’t my problem - it’s something my bosses have to figure out but since one or them is definitely leaving and the other one is still pending on the list, it seems like there’s no one to go to. No one knows who our future boss is either.

And with school this whole textbook thing is pissing me off. It doesn’t help that people on facebook are freaking the fuck out about textbooks….something you won’t even look at again after using it. Last year it was crazy, I swear school was sapping me dry of money. Every so often some professor or course coordinator would email us and tell us we would need some sort of equipment that we’d have to buy ourselves. First it was a bp cuff, then we couldn’t wear regular white running shoes in the hospital so we had to shell out for special shoes, which was HORSE SHIT because when I got to the hospital EVERYONE was wearing colourful Nikes.

And that’s another thing that worries me. This coming year, I’ve voluntarily cut my shifts down by more than one half, which is a far cry from my working 24 hour weeks as well as attending school full time in first year. I know that things get a lot more heavy this year and so maybe even working twice a week could be pushing it but I haven’t worked so few hours since, well, ever. I’m worried because although I’m not a big spender, I like to be able to freely buy things without worrying about saving up, because essentially I am an unconscious saver. But I fear that working significantly less hours that what I’m used to will cause me to be very conscious about my spending and lead me to worry more than I should about money. Money has never been an issue for me, and I’ve always been quite satisfied with what I have, which is why I feel like I could have a lot to lose.

In any case, it’s out of my control. Even if I wanted to work, I can’t because my schedule dictates what I can and cannot do. All I can do this point is to hope for the best, and put forward my best efforts to succeed. I’m actually really lucky to have such a flexible schedule at work, and the ability to pick what days I want.

So….maybe this could be the best possible outcome that could have arose in this situation? That thought has occurred to me, but it seems unlikely somehow.

My new driver’s license arrived today. Things I’ve noticed:
1.) FUCK YEAH ASIAN GENES
2.) My jaw needs to stop growing like that
3.) Shaving your eyebrows is unnecessary with fringe bangs
4.) The unimpressed sneer is priceless, old me is awesome.

Today was so cold. It snowed for a few short seconds here and there during the day. I WAS WEARING SANDALS LAST WEEK, though I am used to this quick change in weather. Next week, I’ll be in a hot, tropical climate with palm trees and suffocating smog. I’m inclined to call it “home” even though it is not, but home is not always where the house is. I just have to get over these next few days. Today’s exam was retarded. I swear some questions came out of nowhere, but I do admit to have never read the textbook. Too verbose. I was never into reading the textbook, nor do I believe this profession should be so heavily influenced by one. But whatever, academia requires a certain amount of balkingly unfair exam questions, right?

I’ve been having these dreams lately involving people and situations I have not encountered for many years. I used to have recurring dreams about public bathrooms, specifically of the gym kind. They still puzzle me because bathrooms really don’t hold any sort of significant meaning to me at all. When I go pee in a public bathroom, I have no anxiety that could be carried over to when I dream. It makes no sense to me and I’ve entertained every possible reason that could be the reason for this, but there’s nothing that could justify why these images appear in my visions at night. Typically, I would enter this bathroom that has endless rows of stalls and showers and it would usually be empty, but sometimes there would be people walking about or I could tell that they’re using the bathrooms. And I would walk around to look for a suitable stall but I would never be able to find one, or I get caught in shower curtains. This motif was so common in my dreams in the last 4 years I’m starting to think it’s some sort of residual PTSD from some horrific incident from when I started school or something I DON’T KNOW. And then we have this person that I have not seen since high school. I didn’t like this particular skinhead. And I don’t know why they appeared in my dream. It has been years since I have had any thoughts at all about high school so it was quite surprising.

Ive noticed that in the last ten years, a lot of things have changed, and yet a lot of things have remained stagnant. There seems to be no particular formula for the passing of time - what gets affected by it and what doesn’t. we can’t do anything to start or stop change, so the only thing is to just watch as it passes by. Since school started this year, I’ve realized that I’ve stuck with the same way of socializing with new people, but I have also noticed that it’s easier for me to form close bonds with people after I know them. I think that has been the big change for me, getting over the first hurdle. But even though that latter part of me has changed,I still have the same initial habits. Will that ever change one day? it might, and I think it might even have begun, but I don’t think I’ll consciously force it. I have no idea what I’m talking about now.

“If things were meant to happen, they will” is a bit of a farce. I think sometimes we need to be a bit more Machiavellian to get what we want, to get what we deserve, and to get what is righteously ours. Things don’t manifest just because you sit there and don’t do anything. They seemingly do for some people, but never to ourselves, right? Well maybe it’s time for a change.

April 2, 2004

In high school, my best friend and I used to go crazy on every April 2nd. I had to look back at my journal to remember why. As always, I wasn’t able to finish reading the entry. There are some things I’d rather not remember. Why would I write that kind of stuff? It’s so embarrassing.

What’s that guys name….first year sociology…. not Humana…not Norman Gledhill … but he used to always say “much was determined before you were born”, on top of the whole “destination: graduation” schpiel. I have no idea how that is relevant to what I was talking about before.

………..When I look back, I still see you. But you look very different now.

I’m not a su fan and I don’t pray but I feel compelled to for some reason. I also feel like I need to pray for that kid who survived the 7 person attack a couple days ago.

It’s been a while since I’ve acknowledged religious tendencies…I’ve never been religious per se but I used to attend church in the past. Religion just teaches you to love everyone and to act responsibly, but I just couldn’t accept that when I was a kid. Shit happens when you’re kid, and it shook my outlook on humanity.

I’ve gotten over the things from the past, so maybe I’m ready to be more accepting and compassionate towards people now.

glass skin.

the wildest thing just happened. my ipod was on shuffle and this song played…. i haven’t heard this song in years and yet it invokes the same feelings in me as it once did.

i used to listen to music that mirrored my feelings up until two years ago. that was when i started this new genre and i was addicted to it. at first it was like a drug that kept me in order but after a while i needed more to control my bad days. then i started taking it everyday because i was so used to it. and im still on it now because i can’t shake off the habit. what ultimately was supposed to be temporary is now very much so permanent.

and that’s why i think its so weird to have this song from long ago playing in my ear. i thought getting rid of all of those depressing melodies would cheer me up. instead, its antidote has screwed me up more than it has helped me out. the stuff i put on repeat these days….are so devoid of real feeling and genuine emotion.

i think i need some catharsis. five years from now I’ll probably look back and laugh. maybe rain was right. i think i have changed. but its not like you could stay the same forever..